Too many bad memories here. New journal:

http://baileydorman.livejournal.com/

ADD ME, PLEEEASE!

WHAT: BACK TO SCHOOL PASSION PARTY!
(IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A PASSION PARTY IS, VISIT WWW.PASSIONPARTIES.COM)

WHERE: SOD HOUSE
9320 BONITA LANE, CHARLOTTE NC

WHEN: SUNDAY, AUGUST 24TH
7PM-???

WE WILL HAVE LIGHT SNACKS AND MIXED DRINKS, FUN GAMES AND SEX TOYS AND, MOST IMPORTANTLY, GOOD FRIENDS. WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK FOR?! LET ME KNOW IF YOU'D LIKE TO COME!

Sooo, I have a boyfrienddd. It was kind of quick, but not rushed at all. Our first kiss was the cutest thing. We were sitting on the couch at my mom's and the clock hit 11:11, so I told him to make a wish. He did, and of course I bothered him about what it was forever. He kept making silly things up and I was pretty persistant. All of the sudden, in the middle of a sentence, he interrupted me with a kiss, and said "Now you know what my wish was, because I just got it." I couldn't stop smiling. We talked for a really long time last night about what we both want, and decided that neither of us want to see other people. He is too good to me and we compliment eachother well. I'm super exciteddd.

Let me start off by apologizing for being a shitty person lately. I have been snapping at my best friends and getting irritated with almost every person I hang out with for no reason at all, and for this, I am truely sorry.

Ever since I can remember, I have had uncontrollable mood swings. My mom started threatening to kick me out of the house about four years ago because my anger was so unbearable. I was making my whole family miserable and, at fourteen years old, the only time I didn't hate myself was when I was screaming at, hitting, or throwing something. I hear people say that they "black out" when they get mad. I don't black out. I am fully aware of what I say. I'm quite possibly even more conscious of my word choices than I normally am. I know this because the things I say to people when I am in a fit of rage are so horrible they should never even cross my mind. For a while, when i was thirteen, I took online tests and did extensive research to see if I fit the description of a person who suffers from manic-depression. Every test I took came back with a message that read something along the lines of "Seek help immediately." Finally, three years ago, my mom took me to a psychiatrist who I talked to for an hour once a week. I could see the helpfulness of the sessions wear off about three hours after we pulled out of her driveway. Since talking didn't help, my mom decided to do the one thing for me that she had promised herself from the start she wouldn't do. I spent a few hours in the doctor's office and later that day filled my first prescription for Prozac. At first, I refused to take it. I didn't, and still don't, like the idea of relying on a pill to make it through the day without breaking something, or, even worse, crushing someone's feelings. However, I quickly realized that if I wanted a place to live and food to eat, I needed to try the medicine. I was surprised to see that it helped my mood swings and I stayed on the Prozac for some time. After a while though, I thought I could maintain the happiness without the pills. After a few months of living without the help of an anti-depressant, the mood swings returned and were worse than ever. I quickly got back on the Prozac. After that, it didn't take long for me to start feeling like a zombie. I can easily say that heartbreak is one of the worst feelings in the world. The feeling that the second round of Prozac left me with is a completely different feeling, but it is much much worse. I wasn't suicidal, but I'm positive that if someone put a gun to my head, I would have encouraged them to pull the trigger. I had severe short-term memory loss and didn't care about much of anything. I lost a lot of friends. I haven't been on Prozac since then, but the fights that my mom and I are having are leaving me emotionally drained. I threw up last night because of the amount of stress I'm under, and my mom has told me that if she doesn't see improvement by next Thursday I have to move out for good. I make excuses not to hang out with certain people because of something they said a week ago that rubbed me the wrong way that I'm positive they meant nothing by, but still, I don't care. Sometimes I make excuses not to see anyone at all. Today, I forced myself out of the house. I drove to Concord to hang out for about an hour and a half. I went out to eat for my birthday with my family today. The wait-staff at the restaurant brought me out a piece of chocolate cake with a candle on top. I was one breath away from bursting into tears in front of the whole restaurant as I made the wish to be happy for once as I blew out the candle. I have an appointment at the doctor's office on August 7th and I am praying to a god that I can't believe in to please help me fix this thing for good.

So, if I have been rude to you in any way lately, I am truly sorry. Times are tough, and I really am trying.

I swear to you, I will never fucking learn from the shit in my past. I have been fucked over and lied to and cheated on by so many guys and every time I get involved with a new one, I think things will be different... And, they never are. I see too much good in people. I hate how naive I am.

I have been so super happy lately and here is why:

Nicholas


Noah


My best friend


My other two best friends


So much swimming


There's also a boy, whose picture I won't post here. If you must, ask. I might tell you.

And looking forward to:

A "thirteen" tattoo today


The new Have Heart album


and seeing them in

Atlanta

with these guys


and these guys

Smiling. Really big.

I want so badly to start writing again and I have the biggest crush on this guy. =]

I haven't written in this in a while. Last night was amazing. The Fire the Flood had their last show ever. Grids had their first show. And Alarmed was in town to hang out for Bobby's graduation. I had a lot of fun. School is out and I have a 3.5! I'm proud of myself. I miss everyone already. Right now I'm at my mom's laying on the floor in the dining room. It's good to be home. I'm really happy.

I am so happy to have the friends I went out with tonight. Absolutely no drama or fighting. No ego trips. No fakeness. So much fun. I am SO incredibly lucky and happy.



And I got a bike today! She's cute.

I watched a show about the genocide in Darfur on National Geographic last night as I went to bed. I literally felt sick. I'm so upset.

Special thanks to Officers Dudley and Clutz of the Charlotte Mecklenburg Alcohol Law Enforcement.

So, I've been super happy lately, and for good reason, too. I have incredible friends who I love dearly. There's also a guy. He's really cute and super funny, and everyone thinks he's into me, but thanks to my last relationship, I'm at a loss for what he might be thinking. I guess we'll find out with time. For now I'm just going to keep smiling.

Can't stop smiling. Haven't stopped since last weekend.

So I feel like I'm in middle school again. It's kind of annoying, but at the same time, kind of refreshing. Whatever, I'm going with it.

UNITED BLOOD FEST ONE WEEK FROM TODAAAAY!

People have been disappointing me lately. I feel like I'm losing my friends.

I'm in such a great mood. I have really done a lot of thinking lately. It's funny that what hurts like hell at first makes you so much stronger in the end. I've learned so much about myself. I thought I was picky before, but now, I really know how much I deserve. And I think I've found a guy who is right for me, at least for now. It's the best feeling to be so giddy and happy when I talk to him. I feel like a little girl again! It's awesome.

Can I just complain about something really quickly? It's been bothering me for a while. How the hell did Amy Winehouse win five Grammys (Record of the Year, Song of the Year, New Artist, Pop Vocal Album and Female Pop Vocal Performance)?! How did she even get the honor to perform at the Grammys?! Why are we putting this woman on such a high pedestal? With lyrics like these:

"Tell your boyfriend next time he around
To buy his own weed and don't wear my shit down."

"He left no time to regret,
Kept his dick wet,
With his same old safe bet."

and a video of her smoking crack after allegedly snorting ecstacy and cocaine, and washing it all down with six Valium, why is this woman so highly revered? It all kind of makes me sick. Why doesn't America find someone better role models for their kids?!

So, I have a crush on a boy. And he's smart, and cute, and he listens to good music, and he's sweet! It's so weird to think about dating, because I haven't had to worry about it in over a year. I'm excited though. =]